Anxiety has been a constant companion my entire adult life; never more so than one evening, early in October, when I experienced my first full-blown panic attack. It was the closest I’ve been to dying. Well, I thought so anyway.
On the bus, riding home from work and a day filled with financial worries, I started to feel not quite right. I soon recognized the feeling as something that could get worse. I just had to hold it together and it would go away, right? Well, not this time.
Once home, I sat down to dinner but couldn’t eat. My thoughts were on trying to remain calm so as not to upset my son and holding down the panic flooding my insides threatening to push me over the edge into a dark and frightening place.
It soon became clear that this feeling was not going away and I had to take the step I had hoped never to take. I fled the dinner table, called my husband into the bedroom, in the calmest voice I could muster, and told him what was happening. Since I seem to have a knack for masking my feelings, I’m not sure he realized the seriousness of the situation. I truly felt on the precipice of insanity, like I might suddenly stumble, hit my head, and break into a million pieces as I fell into oblivion.
We called a nurse and followed her direction by taking a cab to the ER just to make sure the problem wasn’t my heart. I struggled with whether or not to bring my son with because I didn’t want his anxiety level to excalate but I was sure he’d feel even worse if he wasn’t with me. So, the three of us headed off to the hospital. During the ride over, a warmth suddenly flushed through my body and I managed to have the presence of mind to take some aspirin tucked into my purse…just in case. All I could think was, “Is this how my life will end?” “I’m not ready to go. Please, please, help me through this. Help my husband and son through this.”
By the time I was able to visit with the doctor, maybe an hour after arriving, I had started to calm down and hoped to hear him say the problem was not serious. He agreed that it sounded like a panic attack, prescribed some short-term medicine, and instructed me to follow up with my regular doctor. The EKG and heart rate monitoring results were excellent, to my relief. My regular doctor diagnosed me as having an anxiety disorder which I guess isn’t surprising considering family history.
“Worry is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.”
~ Arthur Somers Roche
What does all of this have to do with today’s Wishcasting Wednesday question from Jamie – What do you wish to embrace?
After years of worrying, yet knowing it was counterproductive and very destructive, it actually felt good to have a diagnosis. I was told my seratonin level was deficient, which makes it harder to cope, and once that was regulated, I may or may not have to continue with my medication. I’ve always held things together, for myself and others, yet there comes a point when it is all too much; our bodies get out of whack and we need to slow down.
I wish to embrace simplicity, and the concept of performing one act at a time. Flying in a million different directions and juggling too many balls at once can bring me to that frightening moment in the cab when I thought I was a goner. I’d prefer not to go there again.
It is okay to step back, loosen up the control, and ask for help. No wonder I never feel as though I have time to explore creative endeavors when I’m all keyed up and tense and afraid of dropping one of those balls.
After having the anxiety attack, I decided to cut back on my blogging, book challenges and other commitments I had placed upon myself, and give myself time to breathe. I’ll need to remind myself to do this on occasion since I have a tendency to be a joiner and over-commit.
I also wish to embrace the idea that a little anxiety can sometimes be a good thing. In other words:
“Anxiety is the hand maiden of creativity.”
~ T.S. Eliot
Anxiety is the essential condition of intellectual and artistic creation.”
~ Charles Frankel
While I’m taking it easy and opening myself up to those creative endeavors I’ve feared, I need to remember those words and recognize that I can use the anxiety to express myself and find solutions to problems.
Thank you for reading through to the end of this long post. I hesitated in revealing the reason for my October absence but decided that others might struggle with the same issue and maybe some discussion on the topic might prove useful. I would like to extend my support to anyone dealing with anxiety, whether diagnosed with a disorder or not. Together, we can find peace.
Thank you, Jamie, for today’s question and this opportunity to reveal, release, and embrace the new. For other wishes, please visit Jamie Ridler Studios.
All my love and gratitutude to my husband and son for helping me through that frightening night.
As Pamela wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.
I have had panic attacks before and can relate. Do embrace simplicity & take care.
As Pamela wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.
As Pamela wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.
I, too, have an anxiety disorder, though it is compounded and rolled up with severe depression. It is not an easy road to walk, and I congratulate and thank you for sharing your experiences. Perhaps one day I will be able to share mine!
I, too, deal with anxiety and while I have never been diagnosed, it is horrible just the same. I embraced simplicity about two years ago. It helped much.
As Pamela wishes for herself, I wish for her also in abundance.
Hi Pamela,
I’m happy the diagnosis has made you feel better. Have always believed that stress and anxiety arise out of the gap between where we want to be and where we want to be in life. Mentioned it to someone else today in the circle, you may find Helmstetter’s Making Choices helpful. It’s really short and filled with good info so it will not take long to read.
You are a wonderful writer with much to give the creative world. It’s easier to be ourselves when we let go of all the things we hold onto for dear life, for fear of not living up to someone else’s expectations. I call the end result “the bearable lightness of being.”
Wishing you a swift return to the creative endeavors you love!
Giulietta, always musing
[...] for taking a blogging hiatus in October. If you’d like to read about it, please hop over to Sweet Soliloquies. If you’d like to learn more about Wishcasting Wednesdays and see what other people are [...]
Anxiety. I haven’t had an anxiety attack yet (though two of my brothers have), nor have I been diagnosed, but I certainly struggle with anxiety on a regular basis. Thank you for sharing your story.
As Pamela wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.
As Pamela wishes for herself, so I wish for her as well.
Hang in there. I know the fear of a panic attack all too well. You are not alone.
Oh, I so hear what you are saying here. i had my first panic attack a few years ago and still struggle with anxiety, it has made me hypersensitive to every little feeling my body has, it does make me feel out of sorts and takes over at times. If you ever need to talk please do not hesitate to contact me , you are not alone in these feelings.
As Pamela wishes for herself, so I wish for her also. May it be so.
As Pamela wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.
Thank you all so very much for your kind words and for sharing with me that I’m not alone in this struggle. Warm hugs to you all and my thoughts and prayers go to each of you also dealing with anxiety.