Anxiety has been a constant companion my entire adult life; never more so than one evening, early in October, when I experienced my first full-blown panic attack. It was the closest I’ve been to dying. Well, I thought so anyway.
On the bus, riding home from work and a day filled with financial worries, I started to feel not quite right. I soon recognized the feeling as something that could get worse. I just had to hold it together and it would go away, right? Well, not this time.
Once home, I sat down to dinner but couldn’t eat. My thoughts were on trying to remain calm so as not to upset my son and holding down the panic flooding my insides threatening to push me over the edge into a dark and frightening place.
It soon became clear that this feeling was not going away and I had to take the step I had hoped never to take. I fled the dinner table, called my husband into the bedroom, in the calmest voice I could muster, and told him what was happening. Since I seem to have a knack for masking my feelings, I’m not sure he realized the seriousness of the situation. I truly felt on the precipice of insanity, like I might suddenly stumble, hit my head, and break into a million pieces as I fell into oblivion.
We called a nurse and followed her direction by taking a cab to the ER just to make sure the problem wasn’t my heart. I struggled with whether or not to bring my son with because I didn’t want his anxiety level to escalate but I was sure he’d feel even worse if he wasn’t with me. So, the three of us headed off to the hospital. During the ride over, a warmth suddenly flushed through my body and I managed to have the presence of mind to take some aspirin tucked into my purse…just in case. All I could think was, “Is this how my life will end?” “I’m not ready to go. Please, please, help me through this. Help my husband and son through this.”
By the time I was able to visit with the doctor, maybe an hour after arriving, I had started to calm down and hoped to hear him say the problem was not serious. He agreed that it sounded like a panic attack, prescribed some short-term medicine, and instructed me to follow up with my regular doctor. The EKG and heart rate monitoring results were excellent, to my relief. My regular doctor diagnosed me as having an anxiety disorder which I guess isn’t surprising considering family history.
“Worry is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.”
~ Arthur Somers Roche
What does all of this have to do with today’s Wishcasting Wednesday question from Jamie – What do you wish to embrace?
After years of worrying, yet knowing it was counterproductive and very destructive, it actually felt good to have a diagnosis. I was told my seratonin level was deficient, which makes it harder to cope, and once that was regulated, I may or may not have to continue with my medication. I’ve always held things together, for myself and others, yet there comes a point when it is all too much; our bodies get out of whack and we need to slow down.
I wish to embrace simplicity, and the concept of performing one act at a time. Flying in a million different directions and juggling too many balls at once can bring me to that frightening moment in the cab when I thought I was a goner. I’d prefer not to go there again.
It is okay to step back, loosen up the control, and ask for help. No wonder I never feel as though I have time to explore creative endeavors when I’m all keyed up and tense and afraid of dropping one of those balls.
After having the anxiety attack, I decided to cut back on my blogging, book challenges and other commitments I had placed upon myself, and give myself time to breathe. I’ll need to remind myself to do this on occasion since I have a tendency to be a joiner and over-commit.
I also wish to embrace the idea that a little anxiety can sometimes be a good thing. In other words:
“Anxiety is the hand maiden of creativity.”
~ T.S. Eliot
Anxiety is the essential condition of intellectual and artistic creation.”
~ Charles Frankel
While I’m taking it easy and opening myself up to those creative endeavors I’ve feared, I need to remember those words and recognize that I can use the anxiety to express myself and find solutions to problems.
Thank you for reading through to the end of this long post. I hesitated in revealing the reason for my October absence but decided that others might struggle with the same issue and maybe some discussion on the topic might prove useful. I would like to extend my support to anyone dealing with anxiety, whether diagnosed with a disorder or not. Together, we can find peace.
Thank you, Jamie, for today’s question and this opportunity to reveal, release, and embrace the new. For other wishes, please visit Jamie Ridler Studios.
All my love and gratitutude to my husband and son for helping me through that frightening night.
Now, if he’d only learn to love washing the dishes!
